i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
