I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
