Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
