On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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