I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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