You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
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