Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
