That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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