I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
