I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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