Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
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We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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