so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
