i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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