Your face is a jimmy john
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
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