so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
