All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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