I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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