I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
