Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
