the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize