I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
