I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
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i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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