I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
