I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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