My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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