Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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