Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
