Screwed.edu
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
BRING THE BAGELS
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
