Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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