Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I think a kid would responsible me up
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
