How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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