Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
A bitchslap is in order.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
