PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
