Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
