wrigley field is MILF paradise
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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