she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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