How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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