Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
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How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
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Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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