Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm at about main and main street
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
