absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
