Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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