ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
