got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
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