Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Randomize
