yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
