I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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