Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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