3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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