And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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