Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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