I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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