Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Text me some of your sweat
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