Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
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There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
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After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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