I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
