That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Are my feet made of real feet?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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