I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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