I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Randomize
