So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize
