don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
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