what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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