from now on my penis is your penis
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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