R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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